lunes, 3 de febrero de 2014

A passive agresive way of life.

In order to fit with some of the things that have happened to me, not right now but through my live. I became Passive aggressive, Eat my anger and release it on words and gestures.
First I made a huge mistake and it was to one of the persons I have loved the most in my life. It was family, I had to keep seeing then in regular bases so I put my anger beside for a while, I sallow my pride and continue as nothing had ever happened. Just a couple a years ago I was able to forgive myself
Then D. left me and I was devastated so I decided to continue to have our friends as mime, and that implied I had to see him with his wife from time to time. It was awfully painful but at the time I thought it was the only way not to lose my friends. My heart had been broken in so many places I felt so sad, angry and so lonely. He was living his fairy tale and mine was more like a nightmare.  My Philosophy was “ it would hurt ‘till no more, so if I saw him I regular bases I would get numb, feel no pain at all. It did not work quite like that. Every time I saw or hear for him I got so indignant, I started to develop  envy because he had that I wanted so much someone to hold my hand on the good, but more important during the bad times. It costs me almost two years to finally figure my way out of that pain, and it was much simpler of what I thought: I decided to stop battle me to death.
Well in general similar situations had come along the years, are extremely difficult to open my hand and let go. I get attach, my ego don’t accept the ends. Not only for lovers, but also whit friends and projects, work, decisions.
This time I had enough not only a lover, not as important in my life as others, it’s painful but it’s a pain we expect at one point or another. But real pain was to notice I had lose someone I had consider my dear friend during the last three years. The thing is I had lost her many months ago even I tried to avoid it  and ask what was wrong she always answered “nothing” now suddenly , because of the other incident , I catch on she and I have no longer the relationship I thought.
I cry and scream , I feel betray and without an answer.
So, now, I pick up my pieces. From my heart I said god luck and have a good life.
Nothing she will said or do would ever have a real value to me anymore.
I hope to stop my passive aggressive way of life and get angry, sad or whatever I am.

“ Betray hurts because it does not come from your enemies”  

Por otro debo decir, que la vida, Dios o en lo ustedes crean aprieta pero no ahorca, me ha premiado con grandes amigos “all sizes and colors” y por eso me siento terriblemente bendecida y agradecida. 

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